Using Moira Rose's Wigs to Measure My Stress Levels

Most of you are probably aware of, or have interacted with, the Pain Scale. You know, that little chart with numbers and faces that doctors use to help you communicate your pain level? 

c/o Disabled World

Yeah, that one. Although I don’t think that anyone who has taken on that shade of green is doing particularly well. Unless they’re in Wicked. 

Despite the ubiquity of the Pain Scale, there isn’t really a similar way to measure stress levels, or at least one we can all agree on. Granted, there are all different kinds of stress, and everyone experiences stress in different ways (aside from that English woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her entire life, someone I find both fascinating and infuriating). Now, I am big enough to admit that I am neither a doctor nor a mental health professional. But I think I’ve come up with a decent equivalent. At least for me. 

From now on, I will be measuring my stress levels using Moira Rose’s wigs from the Pop TV comedy Schitt’s Creek. 

“Why wigs? Why these wigs?” you may be asking. If you’ve seen the show, you know that a wig can say so much without saying anything at all, although Moira (Catherine O'Hara) loves to say so many words, some of her own invention. But I think the iconic star of stage and screen would agree that a certain day and mood calls for a specific wig. 

Despite being a writer, I often find it difficult to quantify my stress levels at any given moment, and with my upcoming transition to grad school and already busy schedule, I’ve been...fairly stressed. But now I can just Tweet or text a friend with one of these wigs and everyone will know exactly where I’m at. Everyone knows that when words fail, Moira’s wigs speak. 

Without further ado, I present the Moira Rose Wig Stress Level Scale™, created by yours truly. 

The Beret: “I have so much of my shit together that I can pull off a beret better than any little French tart on the Champs Elysees!”

The Red Bangs: “There are a few things on my mind but I can enjoy a quaint family gathering without mentioning work or stress-eating all of the potato salad.”

The Casino Look: “I have internally processed so much in the last 24 hours while remaining moderately composed and MI6 should hire me immediately.”

The Campaign Trail Look: “How many schedule changes can one make before they’re locked out of their Google Calendar account forever?”

The Bubblegum One: “Last night I hung up on the Witness Protection Program. I could start a new life in Iowa, right?”

The Flock of Seagulls: “I am planning on taking a five minute nap against the subway window, but if anyone tries to steal from me, do know that I have pepper spray.”

The Mint One: “Honestly, how hard can it be to fake one’s own death?”

The Green Curls: “Interact with me and I will sue you in federal court.”

Right now I’m at The Casino Look, which honestly, could be worse. Where are y’all at these days?

Images c/o PopTV.